Squirrel! I smelled the terribly treacherous beast known for its bright orange color and terrible, nut gathering habits.
MUST. GET. SQUIRREL.
My nose sought out the ground as I followed the intoxicating scent of the vile . . .
DO I SMELL FOOD?
Emerging from the house with the smell of the woman human, the glorious arrival of food announced itself to my nose!
Food! Food! Food!!
A sudden burst of energy and the delicious smell of food grasped my body. Overtaking my mind, the smell hurled me into wild circles and sent me spinning like an uncontrolled torpedo! My body flew round and round, leaving me in shock! A tail was in my face and the world was a blur when all at once I collapsed, exhausted from excitement! Heaven, surely, had come. And the woman human was bringing it!
(I always knew she loved me.)
My eyes, coming from their crazed, food-energized spin, found the target. It was white with a blue lid.
I leaped forward greeting the woman human with cheers and thanksgiving!
Food! Food! Food! Thankyou! Thankyou! You are the best! I love you! I love . . .
“Shooo, Lena go away!”
Hilarious. You always were one to tease!
I dashed forward letting my large, rough tongue greet her with kisses. My front paws left the ground to hug her happily. Wham! In answer to my loving hugs and kisses, she shrieked, tripped, and threw the food!
OH! Thankyou! Thankyou! Thankyou!!
The food was gone in seconds!
Food! A delicious appetizer of meat! A meal of ice cream! A dessert of plastic wrap! Food!
“Lena!” When the human gave an unexpected cry, I stopped and starred. She hadn’t gotten up off the ground and, if I do say so myself, my hug had improved her looks. Dirt in you hair and smeared mud on your face always make you like tougher and more friendly. (The look every dogs wants of course.)
I barked a cheerful,
“You’re welcome! It was the least I could do! You gave me food! Food! Is there more food!? Food!”
The energy and hope of getting more food were taking over again! My body turned into a torpedo going in chaotic circles! Round and round and round and bam I hit the ground. Looking up, I saw the woman human was hollering something.
Yes, really. I am amazing.
I got the feeling she’d told me something and I had missed what she’d said. Oh well, I knew what it was. She was in awe of my smell. (It happens a lot. One must get used to it when you naturally smell like rotten eggs and onions. It brings such fame.)
I grinned up at her and saw she was headed back to the house.
Poor girl, she must be wishing she was as awesome as I am. Oh well. We can’t all be.
“Good bye! Good bye!” I bounded around her. “Thank you for the food! OH food! Will there be more food! Foood!”
A sudden terrible smell bit my nose.
I lept into the air then thundered back down to slam onto the porch.
I turned and zoomed around the corner of the house, slipped on a puddle of drool, (whoever is drooling around here really needs locked up) and tumbled head first into a rose bush!
Why would anyone put thorny plants around their house? Oh . . . to keep out squirrels!
Squirrel! Must Get The Squirrel!
“Squirrel!” I screamed, barreling after the smell. “My stomach is full of hamburger and plastic, my heart is energized with energizing things, and I shall get you soon! OH! And thank you woman human for the food!!”
The Reason I Must Stay to Protect the Humans
The next day I sat, regally, on the porch observing the woman human hanging strips of skin on a line. I was certain I had seen her wearing one of the pink items she was draping over the line just then. But everyday she and the other humans appeared in different skins. It was one of the many, weird, human ways.
Oh, and just a word of advice, don’t eat the skin off the line. First, it tastes terrible. Second, (and most important) the humans, especially my woman human, are very jealous of their skins. She grew very agitated when I ate one of the long, flowy skins.
However, despite the few things the woman human doesn’t like about me, I think she loves me. She always tucks me in at night. Every night she puts my in my little house so I’m safe from the dark. And the squirrels. (Did I mention it keeps me safe from the dark?) She likes me though. Too bad she isn’t as amazing as I am. I mean she never lets me eat anything. I can’t eat her food. Or her skin. Or her baby! Selfish person. But the man human seems really attached to her so I guess I’ll let her stay. I’d hate to see the man human sad.
Speaking of which . . . he told me to be a good dog when he left which means, I scratched at a flee, I need to get to work on my check list.
Number One: Fight squirrels. Check.
Eat everything I can to keep up my energy. Check.
Hug the woman human.
Oh! I haven’t done that yet! Poor soul!
At once my body blasted into action, causing a flood of air to erupt around me. Plummeting deep, deadly paw prints into the earth my feet led the way to the human. Duty calls after all! All humans need hugs!
“Lena!” The woman human commanded as I bounded toward her. “Do. Not. Jump. On. Me!”
“Jump on you? Of course not! I’m gonna hug you!”
“Lena!” Another voice called.
MAN HUMAN!! My favorite one! He always smells of dust and tractor cabs! And he likes hugs!
My skillful feet switched gears as I made a split second direction change and spun toward him. With all the grace and elegance I possessed, I headed towards him, tripped, and flew out onto my stomach before his feet.
Lena.” He laughed and leaned down to pet me. “Silly dog.”
Silly? Poor humans. See!? This is why I need to stay around. They have no understanding of life. No realization of danger. No knowledge of what is really going on.
Scrambling to my feet I stood brave and tall (well ok, I sat down and scratched an itch but it was itching REALLY bad) and solemnly vowed the pledge of allegiance.
“Humans.” (The two, needy creatures were talking oblivious to all seriousness and didn’t hear me.) I will always be here to protect you from squirrels and non-onion smelling dogs. I will give you daily hugs and be sure you don’t get flees. Oh, and I will always, always be willing to accept food donations. And I will never, ever, ever leave you! I promise.
And to prove it I gave the woman human a huge, slobbery kiss on the leg.
“Your welcome!” I smiled.
“Lena!” She squealed. “Don’t do that!”
“Oh, right. No food, no slobber.” What is it with some humans? So unaware. Speaking of which . . . is that a squirrel I see? Yes! It is! And look! He’s trying to steal food!
Don’t worry humans! I’ve got this! Have no fear! Lena’s here! Oh, hehehe, that rhymes! But forget rhymes! I have a mission to do!
As I charged forward, leaving the two humans watching me in awe, I hollered triumphantly. My cries filled the air sending fear into the hearts of all beasts and hope to the human souls.
“I am hear to rule this farm! I will kill all squirrels, save the day, and . . . did someone just mention supper!?”